the midnight impulse post

how am i going to do this. how am i going to get through this. the constant shifts of balance in my life are starting to make me feel like all of these things that i’m experiencing aren’t even real. i should give myself some time to sit and do nothing, but i hate sitting and doing nothing. there will never be a time in my life where i don’t want to be busy or constantly changing. i don’t even know what spare time even is. like i’ve said before, maybe it’s a good thing, for i’m not just getting by. BUT there is a question that keeps me up, and keeps from being completely happy. why do we believe in doing anything at all? what am i doing it all for? and as typical as this question may sound, what is really the point of our lives at all. yes, i do want to change the world. yes, i do want to create solutions. i have immediate reasons why i want to do these things. but what keeps me wondering is: after i die, after everyone dies, what was is it any good for? surviving? i’m probably not sounding very clear, but i need to express this constant thought that i have. this is not meant to sound depressing, because it is not. it is just me openly thinking about the reason of anyone’s existence at all. i don’t know the reason and i don’t really know my purpose or anyone’s purpose and i’m always concerned with “why”. just thoughts, just mindless thoughts. that’s all. i want to get rid of them, but i can only conceal them, and they continue to alter how i see everything and especially people.